A Letter of Confession
Dear all,
Guess perhaps many of you have had came to realise about my absence. This time round I wouldn't be standing around and telling a lie that I am busy or so. During this absence in many happy occasion, I finally had some time to spend with myself. Coming to realise that life isn't supposed to be spent like how it used to be. It is depressing when the fact emerges, the fact that actually you are not happy with the life you are leading, and that all this while you have not found your true identity. And that is definitely me. Many times, I tried to figure out how I should carry on even if I know the true fact.
It is sad when I know that even though I am feeling melancholy, but I still have to put a positive image. I could simply called it as: Spilt Personality. It is sad when you know that when out, a positive self must be placed then back in your own hole, a zombie will platform. Somethings are kept in my heart for many years, but yet it still have to be kept in it. I am not that a cheerleader that many of you may think I am, though I am pretty much happy-go-lucky. Is it too much of a happy-go-lucky substance will even cause some chemical effect upon you? People do need a rest, and perhaps the rest point have came knocking on my door. It may be selfish for me to make this move, realising that I may eventually make most of you out that pissed with me. It has been 2 weeks since the very day I decided to make this move, isn't what most would called it as: A Big Woo-Haa...
I like being cared for a little more, being loved for a little more, being dote for a little more. In such, my selfishness again and again causes me to fall during my highest peak in many occasions. I admit that all this while I have been having high expectations, not only for myself but also towards those who are close to me. I expect everything to be in my way many times and expect all to behave like what I think it supposed to be like. I play with my mood and having mood swing isn't something good. Many times, I may put a fake image upon myself. I am not that smart, not that rich, not that attitude, not that well-educated. And then the retribution came around, people around me expect the best out of me. Is this what most of you will define as: What Goes Around, Comes Around? Perhaps yes.
I could never deny the fact that often in life, I taken things for granted. I expect that things will be the same even if no changes are made. I expect that life will be smooth even if no efforts are brought into it. I take but never gives. I came upon many apex, some I uses my own strength, some I tapped on others. I am lucky. From young, I am being spolit for no reason. I always have the best of life in both needs and wants. I visited disneyland when I was 9, I got a soccer table when I was 7, I got into a average neighbourhood secondary school and yet managed to gain many rewards, O'level results ain't that fanatastic but yet I got into my dream course in Temasek Polytechnic, Having little close friends in Poly was expected but yet I managed to find many quality ones. Building popularity for myself isn't easy, especially for someone like me, who I always suck in first impression. It was those quality friends in Poly that gives me the chance to squeeze into top 10 in the Business Studies Club, though I never expect myself to be in it. Studies come first, do most of you remember? I said that during my first meeting and hatred from many people got accumulated. Then I make the full use out of myself, successful attended every meeting and organised 2 major events. Gotten 2 specials medal in CCA, thanks to Pearllyn and Mei Hua for the encouragement and support. Not forgetting Michelle and Baoli and JunQuan. Then came the Oversea Attachment, when I was so lucky to be chosen. Though I admit that I failed in retaining my friendship with Rong Jin, but it makes me realise that Singaporean must never give up hopes on Singaporean. I was lucky to meet many buddies in Shanghai. To those who have tasted my art of cooking: Leslie, Apple. Rebecca, Joedan, Adelyn, Bryan, Cassandra, Rachel, Melody, Maisie, you were my pillar of fun and laughter. The apex did not end here, it carries on with the Oversea attachment presentation, when my friends stood up for me, remember the cheers and clap you given me, Mei Hua? The final year project of a hardship, when I first broken off with Michelle due to mis-communication and stubbornness. The project of a flop as we all knew, but yet we got a B, and for this I must thank Michelle, Baoli, Katic and Zengli for standing my lousy leadership.
Life move on when I came into National Service. When into Eagle Company, a six month company. Didn't know a single thing about military, just know that I must not be selfish. Crazily and Madly, I was brought upon the centre of the stage and was crowned the Underdog for running 2.4km at 11.47minutes, and then being voted highly as the platoon best together with JJ, though we did not win due to Nafra. But yet I was lucky, I met buddy like Fung, JJ, Shaun, Hafiz, Syimir, Jeremy, and more. Carrying on, I moved to supply supervisor course. Didn't study well in there, didn't posses the same character in Tekong, yet somehow gotten first in NSF. Lucky to meet people like: Eric, Hafiz, Mevin, Cheong, etc...
In addition, I got my driving license at 1st try, though many didn't believe in me. Even saying so much for the above. I will never forget that one moment in life that gives me the most impact. The moment that tells me that buddies are part of me, and that is the singing competition in Secondary 3. The day when I first sang English song, the very day when I got too nervous and pull the wire of the mic out, and also the very one day, when the secondary stood up for me with the cheers and loud clapping. Grateful to have buddies like: Yong Xin, Peikee, Jasmine, Grace, Kristi, Peiying, Sockkee, Ru Yuan, Corinne, August, Wai Yeung, Alvin, etc...
However, not always you have life like this. There are always some dysphoric. And now that all this have started to haunt me down again. Not only I must learn to be strong and makes thing right, I must learn to change and transform into a better self. I must absorb what is good and at the same time retain the quality part of me. No one is born to be perfect, nothing is perfect in this world. I must start to believe in myself and that things will change for the better eventually. I must not escape and hide in my own la la land. It's perhaps the right time to face myself, one to one.
At this point of time, I realise that most of the occasion I have prioritize my life wrongly. Neglecting the quality time to be spent not only with myself but also with my family. Things haven't been going quite smoothly in fact during the past few year, some may know, some may not know. I been trying to struggle with my tears many times, though I have often been perceive. What one perceives is a result of interplays between past experiences, one’s culture and the interpretation of the perceived. If the percept does not have support in any of these perceptual bases it is unlikely to rise above perceptual threshold. However, I still have to carry the role of being the cheerleader in most occasion. Life isn't just friendship, there are still love, families and many more.
I must be grateful at this point of time that there are still many of you out there concerning about my disappearance and so. But then, gives me some time more to really think through what in fact I actually want in life. Gives me support though, but most importantly give me some time. I need to ratiocinate what is then the more important issues that needed my attention more. I hoped that this time round, I will be able to settle down on what are the more important things. I hoped that most of you will be there when I am ready to make my presences. Do forgive me for my selfishness and time will speak for itself.
All the very best to you guys. I misses you people alot, especially: The 4E1 buddies. I am sorry once again, and I seek for your understanding and support.
God Bless,
Gabriel Heng.
300808
Guess perhaps many of you have had came to realise about my absence. This time round I wouldn't be standing around and telling a lie that I am busy or so. During this absence in many happy occasion, I finally had some time to spend with myself. Coming to realise that life isn't supposed to be spent like how it used to be. It is depressing when the fact emerges, the fact that actually you are not happy with the life you are leading, and that all this while you have not found your true identity. And that is definitely me. Many times, I tried to figure out how I should carry on even if I know the true fact.
It is sad when I know that even though I am feeling melancholy, but I still have to put a positive image. I could simply called it as: Spilt Personality. It is sad when you know that when out, a positive self must be placed then back in your own hole, a zombie will platform. Somethings are kept in my heart for many years, but yet it still have to be kept in it. I am not that a cheerleader that many of you may think I am, though I am pretty much happy-go-lucky. Is it too much of a happy-go-lucky substance will even cause some chemical effect upon you? People do need a rest, and perhaps the rest point have came knocking on my door. It may be selfish for me to make this move, realising that I may eventually make most of you out that pissed with me. It has been 2 weeks since the very day I decided to make this move, isn't what most would called it as: A Big Woo-Haa...
I like being cared for a little more, being loved for a little more, being dote for a little more. In such, my selfishness again and again causes me to fall during my highest peak in many occasions. I admit that all this while I have been having high expectations, not only for myself but also towards those who are close to me. I expect everything to be in my way many times and expect all to behave like what I think it supposed to be like. I play with my mood and having mood swing isn't something good. Many times, I may put a fake image upon myself. I am not that smart, not that rich, not that attitude, not that well-educated. And then the retribution came around, people around me expect the best out of me. Is this what most of you will define as: What Goes Around, Comes Around? Perhaps yes.
I could never deny the fact that often in life, I taken things for granted. I expect that things will be the same even if no changes are made. I expect that life will be smooth even if no efforts are brought into it. I take but never gives. I came upon many apex, some I uses my own strength, some I tapped on others. I am lucky. From young, I am being spolit for no reason. I always have the best of life in both needs and wants. I visited disneyland when I was 9, I got a soccer table when I was 7, I got into a average neighbourhood secondary school and yet managed to gain many rewards, O'level results ain't that fanatastic but yet I got into my dream course in Temasek Polytechnic, Having little close friends in Poly was expected but yet I managed to find many quality ones. Building popularity for myself isn't easy, especially for someone like me, who I always suck in first impression. It was those quality friends in Poly that gives me the chance to squeeze into top 10 in the Business Studies Club, though I never expect myself to be in it. Studies come first, do most of you remember? I said that during my first meeting and hatred from many people got accumulated. Then I make the full use out of myself, successful attended every meeting and organised 2 major events. Gotten 2 specials medal in CCA, thanks to Pearllyn and Mei Hua for the encouragement and support. Not forgetting Michelle and Baoli and JunQuan. Then came the Oversea Attachment, when I was so lucky to be chosen. Though I admit that I failed in retaining my friendship with Rong Jin, but it makes me realise that Singaporean must never give up hopes on Singaporean. I was lucky to meet many buddies in Shanghai. To those who have tasted my art of cooking: Leslie, Apple. Rebecca, Joedan, Adelyn, Bryan, Cassandra, Rachel, Melody, Maisie, you were my pillar of fun and laughter. The apex did not end here, it carries on with the Oversea attachment presentation, when my friends stood up for me, remember the cheers and clap you given me, Mei Hua? The final year project of a hardship, when I first broken off with Michelle due to mis-communication and stubbornness. The project of a flop as we all knew, but yet we got a B, and for this I must thank Michelle, Baoli, Katic and Zengli for standing my lousy leadership.
Life move on when I came into National Service. When into Eagle Company, a six month company. Didn't know a single thing about military, just know that I must not be selfish. Crazily and Madly, I was brought upon the centre of the stage and was crowned the Underdog for running 2.4km at 11.47minutes, and then being voted highly as the platoon best together with JJ, though we did not win due to Nafra. But yet I was lucky, I met buddy like Fung, JJ, Shaun, Hafiz, Syimir, Jeremy, and more. Carrying on, I moved to supply supervisor course. Didn't study well in there, didn't posses the same character in Tekong, yet somehow gotten first in NSF. Lucky to meet people like: Eric, Hafiz, Mevin, Cheong, etc...
In addition, I got my driving license at 1st try, though many didn't believe in me. Even saying so much for the above. I will never forget that one moment in life that gives me the most impact. The moment that tells me that buddies are part of me, and that is the singing competition in Secondary 3. The day when I first sang English song, the very day when I got too nervous and pull the wire of the mic out, and also the very one day, when the secondary stood up for me with the cheers and loud clapping. Grateful to have buddies like: Yong Xin, Peikee, Jasmine, Grace, Kristi, Peiying, Sockkee, Ru Yuan, Corinne, August, Wai Yeung, Alvin, etc...
However, not always you have life like this. There are always some dysphoric. And now that all this have started to haunt me down again. Not only I must learn to be strong and makes thing right, I must learn to change and transform into a better self. I must absorb what is good and at the same time retain the quality part of me. No one is born to be perfect, nothing is perfect in this world. I must start to believe in myself and that things will change for the better eventually. I must not escape and hide in my own la la land. It's perhaps the right time to face myself, one to one.
At this point of time, I realise that most of the occasion I have prioritize my life wrongly. Neglecting the quality time to be spent not only with myself but also with my family. Things haven't been going quite smoothly in fact during the past few year, some may know, some may not know. I been trying to struggle with my tears many times, though I have often been perceive. What one perceives is a result of interplays between past experiences, one’s culture and the interpretation of the perceived. If the percept does not have support in any of these perceptual bases it is unlikely to rise above perceptual threshold. However, I still have to carry the role of being the cheerleader in most occasion. Life isn't just friendship, there are still love, families and many more.
I must be grateful at this point of time that there are still many of you out there concerning about my disappearance and so. But then, gives me some time more to really think through what in fact I actually want in life. Gives me support though, but most importantly give me some time. I need to ratiocinate what is then the more important issues that needed my attention more. I hoped that this time round, I will be able to settle down on what are the more important things. I hoped that most of you will be there when I am ready to make my presences. Do forgive me for my selfishness and time will speak for itself.
All the very best to you guys. I misses you people alot, especially: The 4E1 buddies. I am sorry once again, and I seek for your understanding and support.
God Bless,
Gabriel Heng.
300808
posted by Gabriel at
10:07 PM
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